Think whatever way you want

Random

2008-05-09T11:49:00.001-07:00

Frankly, i'm surprised and yet bored with the fct that i can't let go many things that i've hidden in my heart. Its killing me. Anyone can lend a nice listening and compromising ear to me ?

i'm looking foward to ball tml even tho its 3am and im still blogging.

Blogging the first time in 5 month is actually quite a drag.

I know no one's forcing me to blog but...

I really wanna be really whinney now and hopes someone will just listen

I know that when things start going your way , something must be really wrong.

Army's been a little breezy nowadays. Thank goodness i've got my psp and many unwarrant scolding to keep me in place.

I've gotten new glasses but i still wanna get somemore new pairs.

I wonder if i'm still going through the teenagers phase or desperately trying to get out of it...

Why do so many people think that nothing can knock me down? It's getting pressurising and irritating.

Why do i get so easily irritable nowadays ...

I really hate to be judgemental but ...

I really hope that God stops giving me a choice and make me be holy so that i can don't sin ever again and make me less pressurised to be good. But thats already letting me make a choice...

I really really wanna help people but confidence is slowly leaking out especially when i'm n church ...

I doubt i can enjoy mass this week ...

I'm afraid that someone will read this post and judge me.

I'm afraid that i'm always so afraid of being judged and being proud of it.

I'm sick and tired of Xavier

I always sound like i'm going to end my life soon but i know when i wake up i'll be too tired trying to enjoy my weekend to the fullest to care about such retarded stuff.

I need someone to tell me that he/she is not going to judge me or at least will try his/her best not to do it.

I just realized that i'm the worst judge of myself.

I need myself to freak off so that i can live in peace with myself.

This is not random

All the maybies

2008-01-07T08:38:00.001-08:00

I always feel this strong pang of emotions whenever i view my friends and i witness their progress through their many pictures. This is especially so for friends whom i've not seen for a great number of years and i probably won't get to see them ever again and even some of whom i have totally no wish to see at all in the future.

Whenever i peered at my ex-vj friends' pictures , i will uncontrollably imagine what might have happened if i had still remained at vj as an arts student. Would i be as happy as i was during the 1st 3 months ? Because i really had so much fun during the 1st 3 months at vj that it almost seemed surreal to me. Almost fantasy-like. And scarily so.

I remembered, with a exceedingly heavy heart, that i arrived at aj with an outlook of pure unhappiness and almost boiling hot distaste. It set my path crooked right from the start and its only till the end that i realised i have let this bitterness in my heart to ruin my entire future at aj. I have no wish to recall. But i wish to learn from this experience and to never ever repeat such a maddening mistake.

I must admit that army life seems really daunting to me. But i will not look at it as a painful experience. Or at least i will not have a wrong mindset about army life right from the start. That can only serve to disillusion me and set my path crooked , again.

Obviously thinking about such things will undoubtly make me feel much less happy than i should. I have told one of my friend once that i've choked up so much unhappiness in my mind that i can cry at any moment. But i've told myself that this isn't the right way to go. Being sad isn't going lessen your sadness. Letting it all out may not even help.

Quite ironically , i did a happiness session for the youth at my youth group just last friday and oen of the method was to list down all the happy things that have happened in your day and treasure those events with your heart and appreciate their coming instead of crying that they're not going to repeat themselves. So , thats what i'm going to do for today's happenings.

Carol , my da jie , decides to jio me out for my "farewell lunch" today. Although she din pay for my meal except for a measly 25 cents for ice-cream, her company was well worth the entire outing. We talked our hearts out on many cyf stuffs which i was initially quite apprehensive to speak about due to many sensitive issues. It was a pretty good off-loading session and i really appreciate this outing. Other that the fact that she's pretty lame herself, we both really could communicate really freely w/o much barriers, and thats the main ingredient for a good outing itself =)

Mat and Addision decides to treat me to a "farewell dinner" after mass. And i'm still quite full even now. They just splurged and spent on me and i , unabashly, accepted their goodwill with great joy =) They treated me to a $97 meal at LAO Beijing ( directly translation is "OLD beijing"). We had SHARKFIN, okay , its just me. And loads of other stuff. I must admit , its really quite a sinful treat. After which , we had a chill-out session at coffee bean where we had iced chocolate drink and mudpies and cakes. I swear i put on 10kg today. But thank you both so much! It truly increased my joy bar today!

I had a short convo with Bervyy today and that makes me really happy. Although the topic wasn't on happy things but the fact that he confided that much in me really made me appreciate how much he trusts in me. And make no mistake i trust in him wholeheartedly too! Thanks Bervyy =)

Maybe the day was quite fantastic after all =)

Huge load of jumbled up thoughts . HUGE

2007-11-25T18:56:00.000-08:00

My head is now filled with much positivities and negativities . Somehow i can't seem to separate them because they just seem to fall right into the right crevices of my brain , forming a complete me . Alrighty , maybe i don't seem so coherent now , but whatever anyway .

I just received news that another couple is formed . People were telling me that since its just two weeks to AGM , surely they can wait right ? But then again , who knew if they have gotten together like 2 months before ? Whatever it is , one of my friend was quite devastated by that , his trust in the couple that they will be responsible to their role and their responsibility to the people around them has been crushed quite horrendously .

Well , i must say that i too ,am not spared from the psychological ripple-effect of them coming together. First and most important of all , i had to know of the news from another person's mouth . I mean , the groom himself can't even tell me . And yes , then it comes the question , " why should he even tell you ? Who are you ? " Yes , exactly , why should i feel upset over this lack of transparency between friends , even if ever we used to be really good friends last time . Who am i now to him that i should expect him to tell me ? I've got no idea . I'm getting so increasing lethargic to try to spark off conversations with him now . I keep asking myself , why must i always be the one to start chatting ? Or am i obligated to do so . Everytime i'll come to the same reasons , that i am supposed to be loving and i am his senior . Even as i am reading this , i'm thinking - i'll still do it , i'll still continue to fulfill my role and spark off conversations with him lest our friendship falls into decadence , irreversibly . But coming back to the real issue , i truly felt hurt when i had to hear this news from the mouth of another person . I guess its just expectations from a friendship . But its alright , i've long grown used to such things . I accept , albeit with a really reluctant heart , that we have moved on . We all have changed . We all needs different friends . I'm not bitter , i'm not angry , i'm hurt , but i'll definitely recover but we'll still be friends , even if the efforts' merely coming from me . Even if we're no longer as close , its okay as long as we still remain as friends.

But nonetheless , i'm happy for you two . A relationship is always a happy thing . And i'll forever be sincerely happy for you two , even as i am typing this . I truly hope this relationship will last and will bring many positivities to your lives and the lives around you all . And i pray that God will be there to bless this relationship .

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I've just came across this message , hiden deep in my "private folder " . I was sitting in the company of Serena and Joachim Lai when i was typing this message . This message encompasses of what Serena said to Joachim when he was telling her of the negativities in his heart . At that point of time , i realised that i couldn't do anything for him because i was not really equipped with a lot of advice and wisdom and neither was i in a position to help him as much as i wanted too . Hence i typed down what Serena said to him , either as advices or just encouragement as friends . I typed all those things down so that i can look through them next time and use them to help Joachim through his dark times next time . I just can't bear to see him in such a state and being , previously , his close friend , i refuse to be unable to help him , hence i typed down this 10-msg long message of what Serena said .

It's all in short points and it may not make sense to my readers .

"You've got to sayang yourself , you've got to learn how to enjoy and take care of your happiness level . You must try have find the courage and endurance to move on from your troubles and also the courage to own up to yourself the doubts and negativities in your heart and to face them . Because sometimes you need to face up to your past to move forward .

Look forward to little joys in your life . Look into your health . Your body do give you signs and signals to your state of mind . try to recognise them because sometimes you may be oblivious to your own "brain waves" . God will not put you through stuff that you cannot handle . Trust in him . Don't play God , it is not just you who are playing your part to help , God too , got other plans to help . Stop blaming yourself that you can't help someone enough . Good intentions are good enough . Blaming stops you from helping others who may need your help even more . We all know who you are . We understand where you are coming from. Don't blame yourself for one mistake .

Mass and rosary gives grace and they work unbelievable miracles in your life. When you're helping people . Pray about it before helping , don't control yourself too much or else you aren't letting God be God . We can't play God . If you're not in the position to help and you say no , you're helping the person . Because saying no merely indicates that you don't know how to help , not that you don't wanna help. Storm heaven with prayers if friends means so much to you . It always help if you don't become too pessimistic . It gives you more hope sometimes. When you look at the bigger picture , you'll find that its all worth it .

You know why people got friends ? They're attracted to you because you've got qualities . You have it ! You've got to have a good support of friends . You need to laugh . Build Yin Hai as your support . All trials ready you for a greater plan . You just have to stick with God . "

There , done .

As i was typing this , tears almost started rolling down . Looking back on the times i've shared with Joachim , all the times where we chatted non-stop and being really really close friends . It truly breaks my heart now that we are no longer the same . But i don't regret all those times , instead of feeling negative that such feelings and such times no longer exist , i choose to be grateful about such stuff . Thank you Joachim. For sharing part of your life with me . Though i think my part is done in your life . I'll cherish the memories because it has taught me much and helped me through tough time . Other people used to think that we used to be enemies , but now i prefer to think otherwise . I feel that we were close friends and we have learned great things from our friendship and we are just going further away to help other people around us . It's God's plan and i trust him completely .

Aside , i feel that whatever Serena said , was not just from her . I think that the Holy spirit was really really with her. Looking back on what she said . The words are really beautiful and made total sense . Its just so timeless . Thank you Serena as well . For your trust in God to make it all beautiful in human tongue .

*moist eyes

dissatisfied

2007-11-02T09:09:00.000-07:00

Even though i spent as much time as i can with my members , i still feel that its sorely not enough . And i feel pretty dissatisfied about it . i want to do something , but i've got exams and i don't wanna burn myself out either . still its really nice that people acknowledge my efforts and made me feel appreciated and all .

so thanks Ryan Po for always making me feel that i'm important to you .

Thanks sebx for coming down today to surprise me =)

thanks lester for discussing your stuff with me , hence helping me to feel helpful .

thanks angie who made me realise that i'm still important to her .

thanks addison for spending time to study with me .

thanks to lynette who always made me feel that i'm of worth to her .

thanks victoria for never failing to give me the warmest hug .

thanks joshua who constantly asks me whether i needed food/drink whenever im studying .

thanks sam lee and eunice for being such understanding and loving friends .

thanks gabby for always writing letters to me to cheer me on .

thanks jerome for trying to push my hair down , again . and of course for being there . haha .

thanks perry for pei-ing me back home .

thanks a lot a lot to a lot of other people whom i din mention due to me needing to go offline very very soon . hence , just for one day , i've gotten so much love and concern from so many people . and i feel that i've got to give them back triple . hence , thats gonna be my plan after my exams . there , at least i feel much better for now . having a plan to do something .

satisfied .

After waiting for a certain eternity for blogger to load ....... [ EDITED VERSION ]

2007-10-31T08:36:00.001-07:00

I just got a sudden urge to blog this down . Anyway , the following entry is gonna be typed in a negative light , so if you don't like what u r going to read , then clear off for this entry , it's my blog anyway .

I was just looking into the mirror when i was bathing just now . I saw a rather young face ( at least in my perspective , i look quite young ) , then zipping very quickly across the mirror , i saw a very haggard look , then zipping across the mirror again , i saw myself 3 years in CYF and all the things that have passed before me . I don't know why but i had a sudden chill down my spine .I feel like i'm splitting into 2 person . The first one is a very young Keith and the second one is a very worn and haggard Keith . and its proving to be a vey difficult task trying to reconcile the both of "me" . OH shit , i feel like a person with two spirits floating away lah dammit .

I feel so skitzo . i feel that i got this weird " split personalities " syndrome. I want to be so many things all at once . I want to be as best a leader i can be . I want to be the coolest leader around so that people can connect to me . I want to be someone to guide other people along because i want to help people . Yet sometimes i also want to be the weakest person around so that other people can lead me and i don't have to always be the person leading the way . I want to stop being the dominating persona because i want to feel the love from younger leaders/members and their care and concern from them . I want to be the youngest person around so that i don't have to take up any role and play any important role at all . However i still want to be the oldest person around because i feel that i can help the rest with my knowledge and experience .

I feel very very confused ( i think u will also be very confused after reading this entry of mine) . I've got no idea why i am feeling this way . I feel like a chameleon which does not know which colour to change to . So freaking weird right . Maybe i need a stupid shrink .

In addition to that , it doesn't help that i feel more lonely than not nowadays . While my friends are slowly and steadily getting attached , i can no longer enjoy their exclusive company . The worse thing is that they are my pillars and strength , now they WERE my pillar of strength . And i've got to fight the urge to to just grab their arms and say " stop , just please stop , i really need you to be here for me " But i know they will probably say "ya ya , yada yada "

But nontheless , i'm still very very happy for those attached , i'm happy that they've found happiness , i don't know whether its permanent happiness , but i'm still really very sincerely happy for them . So those attached please don't come up to me and say " i'm here , don't worry" . I'll probably just kick you away and ask u to spend more time with your attachie and stop wasting time here . Sorry but such happiness is rare and i'm so not gonna grab your time away from you .

2,4 dinitrophenolhydrazine is killing me

2007-10-27T09:22:00.000-07:00

As can be seen from the title , my brain's dead and im pretty much screwed for A lvls . But still , i'm quite pleased with my progress . i mean i've pretty much covered econs and physics and 1/2way thru chem and maths . I mean for me thats a whole load of accomplishments but sadly i know its not enough . wadeva

Anyway , for that person who came to my blog , u know who u r , thx for that convo .

MY computer's screwed so im using my sis's laptop and im super not used to her keypad coz its so uncomfortably small.

Anyway , my previous entry , contrary to wat other people said , was not typed with a heavy heart , rather , i am quite happy the way i am -being a chameleon . I mean a person should change his negative points to become a better person . i certainly do not subscribe to old teachings of "being urself " and wateva nonsense . i mean if being "urself" is being a piece of shit whom people hates and all , then i see no excuse why that person doesn't change for the better . yup . thats why im always gonna change , hopefully always for the better . of coz i will need time , but i'll try my best to change positively eventually .

im really quite tired now but i know there's still 6 chapters of chemistry waiting for me to subdue them . But completing a subject is one thing and mastering the oh-so-freaking-difficult subject is another thing altogether . okok . i really should stop whining about such stuff .

Another change i saw in me . Last time , something like a year before , i always feel that i'm a very weak person , like a person who cannot shoulder the many vissicitudes of life but i'll always show outwardly to the public that im a very strong person and they can lean on me and wadeva not . But i realised that this year im slowly getting stronger and more equiped to deal with the hardships of life but ironically , im showing outwardly the exact opposite . i mean im amazed at the amount of things i whined about to people . okay . at this point of time , i really really feel like whining about my freakishly stressed out life . okay going back to the original point . i mean sometimes i can even revert back to my small boy persona and start being a spoilt brat .oh shucks , i don't know how am i progressing . and there's always pilling pressure on me to be a better person and a better leader in CYF .

moving on , okay i know im being really really random now , i feel so weak all of a sudden . but whenever i feel this way , knowing very well that there's no appropriate person to back me up and be my pillar of strength just totally rejuvenates me , although in a very negative sense .okay , enough of such expression of weakness . yada yada .

i just missed those who used to be my pillars . u probably know who u r . i know u all aren't gonna be there anymore but instead of being resentful that u all left me in a lurch , im thankful for those periods u all were there for me and although u all are not with me now , and i greatly yearned for your company , thank you all with all my heart once again .

okay i've decided , after A lvl im gonna dye brown and highlight golden . okay . im gonna look good ! =)

yes , people who knows me well probably knows that i abhor/detest looking ugly .

oceans of personalities

2007-10-20T12:41:00.000-07:00

I feel that i've been existing as a spectrum of many different personalities nowadays . Especially NOWADAYS when i'm often under quite some stress .

When i'm in the company of different people , my mind automatically place the responsibility on myself to be the best " personality" for that occasion. When i'm together with younger leaders , i've to be more smiling , more responsible and more frenly even when sometimes i'm obviously in no mood to be in either of those "personalities" . When i'm together with older people , i've got to try to be a person who thinks older stuff so that i don't lose their frequency and so that i don't look like a dimwit . Whem i'm with younger members , i've got to be joking and laughing and a clown and trying my very best to interact with them and make sure they dun feel intimidated by me . When i'm with my bitchy frens , i've got to be bitchy and funny even though sometimes i can't bring a bitchied look to my face . When i'm with people i need to interact more due to various reasons i've got to be really chatty and even toking to myself even though i really wish that i can juz stand there and not tok .

Because of such thing , i've kinda lost myself . i can't exactly place my finger on who i really am and how im really like . there's only a precious few whom i can be myself with , gerald's one of them , thank goodness . at this point of time i can't really think of anyone else .

I dun know know . i juz feel stupid all of a sudden becoz i dun really know who i am . I know people often ask such question and such questions are truly overasked but this is the first time i can assuredly tell myself " yes xavier , u truly really dun know who u r " . . . but i realised all those occasions where i have to put on the best personalities , i am not exactly faking it . . im juz dragging it out of my personalities and making such traits more pronounced and with so many personalities pronounced , i no longer have any idea which one is the one which i am naturally most pronounced in .

Am i really chatty ? Am i really angsty ? Am i really compassionate ? Am i really nasty ? Nope nope , i've no idea . I dun exactly wish to look for it either . But neither am i feeling good about it becoz i've kinda lost myself in the midst of my resonsibilities to be a serious , immature , funny , serious , laughing , grave , angry , serene , compassionate , derogatory , bitchy , sympathetic person .

This entry is of no consequence to anyone but myself . Whoever i listed up there , i am not blaming u for anything .. If u think that way , thats your problem and im sure as heck not gonna take responsibility for your negative feelings about what i juz said WHICH DOES NOT MEAN ANYTHING TO ANYONE AT ALL . Thiis is MY blog entry and if u feel offended , thats your problem and ESPECIALLY when i dun mean ANY OFFENCE at all to anyone in this entry. If u feel confused about whether i am blaming anyone or anything in this entry , I AM NOT. get that straight .

okay . i've always gotta type that disclaimer becoz human's mind tend to think beyond whats reasonable ( mine included) and if i dun type that down , people may confuse me for a person with so much angst and anger at everyone , WHOM I AM NOT . yep , tata . Goodnight . And thx gerald for simply allowing me to be myself in your presence .

first blog entry in . . . 2 months . . .

2007-10-18T22:17:00.000-07:00

Nowadays . . my schedule are really crappy and cruel . . studying about 10 hrs a day . . ITS HELL !!!

Okay . . anyway . . heard pretty many flying rumours about myself . . the one i'm gonna pick out is . . . . . . . . people seems to think that i'm a flirt . . okay . . thats just really dumb . . And because i'm such an image conscious person . . i've stopped talking to the female juniors in CYF even though i know i'm definitely not flirting with them . . i can swear on my life i'm SO NOT FREAKING flirting with them . . but i know those people who have such damaging and inconsiderate thoughts won't believe . . but now i really can't be bothered to rebutt such people . . but because of such rumours . . i've actually stopped talking to the girls for a very long period of time . . because of such . . i can't communicate with them and bond with them and be a caring leader to them . . thinking about what i can't do just sickens me because those people who started those rumours do no understand the implications of what they just said . . . I'm already facing uphill tasks trying to be a leader in CYF . . let alone being a good leader and my fellow peeps in CYF are the ones starting this rumours . . it just sickens me how much i'm being affected by their words . . i mean don't i talk to ALL the guys as well . . i mean i definitely talk to the guys much more than i actually tok to the girls and so am i flirting with the guys as well ?? What the . . . . so before u all start any rumour . . please think about the implication of your words . . it may do more harm than just for your personal entertainment . . . especially when there's no basis for such rumours anyway . .

Loads of thoughts

2007-08-09T12:05:00.000-07:00

I am at Addison's house now , supposed to be studying summation , but the chapter is really getting onto my nerves. Its really really difficult . Damn the chapter .

Anyway , besides , i've been listening to The Veronicas . Really pleasing change of musics . Their music reanges from light pop to gothic pop which is actually rather convincingly nice .

"Give me one good reason why in time i should believe in youyou had me, you had it, everythingSo close your eyes and remember all those liesthat you never say when you pretend that youwill be with me again" - Part of their lyrics from "Did YA Think"

Anyway , its 3.15 am already . Gosh. I'm just blinking my tiredness away . Anyway , i just wanna recall the many times when i was young and had quite some fun with my cousins and all now that we aren't even talking to each other when we meet each other for Chinese new year once in a year.

I remembered we all went for chalet once. I mean whoa , my family actually got a lfe . So that was when we actually gathered together to do something nice . The frolic at the swimming pool was just part of the vague memories i had of the place where i childishly tried to stuff my finger into the water sprinkler . haha .

We went to one of my granduncle's house in Desaru in malaysia where he had somesort of an ancient bungalow . I remembered playing badminto there . haha .retarded . i supposed we went to some nice natural swimming area where there's fishes and all . Shucks . I'm losing my grip on such memories . Especially when they no longer serve any purpose. Except to make my loss feel more pronounced . Feeling a little emo now. But think know it'll pass . I seem to have grown out of the emo-ing .

Met a new nice friend through the net , name's Bervyn. Seems to him he's a really reflective person , which kinda influenced me a little . Unlike most of my frens , his comments and all makes sense. I guess he is my closest online fren whom i've never met before. kinda weird and all but i'm still really glad to know him . I truly appreciate all your affirmations Bervy , which is getting lesser and lesser this year . Hope u're happy Bervy !

Tomorrow's the big dinner day at Addison's house ! we're gonna have steamboat ! Gonna be a blast ! i hope ! Still currently undecided whether i should go for session first or stay on at addison's hse till the dinner while studying . Summation summation . Feel like giving up this chapter .

The recent bleach manga chapter has some substantial retardness to it . The way ichigo defeated grimmjaw was quite , how to say , disappointing ? After GJ used his "most devasting attack" - the 10 claws thingy , ichigo managed to cut through them and then fly towards GJ to plunge his katanna into GJ's chest . A little weird cause GJ should have just escaped . And easily at that with his enhanced animalistic powress . Personally , after i defeated GJ ( if i was ichigo ) , i would have befriended him . GJ would have been a great ally ! He's really really strong !

IF he could handle Ichigo at full power , he can most probably defeat byakuya - rukia' bro-in-law and kenpanchi , who are the strongest 2 out of the 13 squad, aside from yama old man . I was thinking , after ichigo's shikai , he goes bankai , then becomes a semi-hollow . And now despite him being at his maximum power in his vizard form , he could hardly finish off grimmjaw . So how can he compete with other stronger opponents ?

People like uliquorra and noroi will probably beat the hollow out of him . Hope he goes through another transformation . Like maybe he join hands with his dad and suck out all his dad's power and use them as his own to supplement his power or something . His dad must be a major powerhouse , to be able to have a son powerful enough to snuff out the strongest in the 13 squad . His mom will be proud

Am listening to "Secret " by The Veronicas . Fantastic rhythm and tempo . Bervy ! U've got to listen to it !

"You're a little obsessed with me And I'm a little bit scared of you The way you look and stare at me Maybe it's time I let you know You could call me six times but still I won't pick up the phone You could spend all your money on mebut still I'll say no You could write a million letters everyday confessing to me That I am the girl of your dreams But nobody ever asked me I never looked at you that way 'Cause I always thought you were gay Every time you come around You just look me up and down And then you try to hold my hand I'm confused now I don't understand " - Part of the lyrics from "Secret"

The album cover looks quite uniqe but quite retardish at the same time . 2 kisses ? and crumpled paper ? Such techniques are rather overdone . haha . I'm not in any position to say anything tho . My art's about the same standard as my maths . Horrendous .

Speaking of naruto , the recent fight between dei and sasuke seems to be really interesting . One of the more intellectually impressive fights because they involve techniques and skills aside form throwing kunais and whatevernot. But what i don't understand is that why can't sasuke jst use genjitsu on dei right form the start. I would have him imagined that he was fighting sasuke when he was actullay just wriggling in his little genjitsu world and then tire himself up and then think that he has blown himself up while in actual fact , sasuke is just standing there laughing at him. Of coz , it'll be rather lame to the readers , but seriously , if im sasuke , dei's mind will be gone with the wind in 2 sec . haha . sorry . a little imagination running haywire here .

Response for the 2nd entry

2007-06-19T03:12:00.000-07:00

Again , responding to Vincent's blog first , yup , i think i share a similar trait with him. I've got lots heroes too . Those many heroes whom i was not able to mention are actually Pope John Paul the 2nd , Saint Francis Xavier , Angie Ho , Ollie , Lester , Joachim , Judette , Serena, Ada and many more .

And then , responding to Ruth , Yes Dear Jesus Christ is indeed at the top of my list too . though i usually don't categories him under Human Hero.

I believe i've actually seen loads and loads of miracles through the love of Jesus for me . One of the latest one is when i was planing for the latest session . We actually wanted to plan the sesison like 2 months ago , but always due to many weird reasons , we are not able to get the job done , so in the end , we are discussing about session planning 3 days before the sesison date . I remembered giving my word to Jesus that i will try really really hard to make this session a sure hit and a really value-added one . But then the meeting on that day was still as stale as possibly could . Then we kinda got Lester's help and gosh was it TIMELY indeed ! Very conveniently , he had a session idea ( tried and tested ) on apologetics and it was awesome . So , using that idea , we actually delivered that particular session and from what i heard , quite a number of people were actually quite happy with the session and to me , thats nothing short of a miracle .

But to me , i guess the biggest miracle was that i did not remain as a Sunday-Catholic . Seriously , before i joined CYF , i CANNOT imagine myself as one who will go for weekdays masses . IMPOSSIBLE . And i can never believe that i have the capability to love as much as i have been loving people when i joined CYF . Till now , i still cannot accept the magnitude of such love which has been showered on me . All i can say is woah .

2nd Entry : heroes

2007-06-19T02:34:00.000-07:00

Talking about heroes , i've just gotten a new hero in my life - Mother Teresa .

I remembered done one of my friend sending over to me a powerpoint slide on Mother Teresa which i was quite blown away .

I was always in awe of her many quotes and my favourite one being - If you have time to judge other people , you have no time to love them .

I mean , judging people is just so human nature , its almost part of being human. Not judging requires a nigh-impossible amount of determination and self-awareness . To be conscious of not judging people takes up like 80% of your concentration . Thats why its almost impossible .

But what i am impressed with her is because she is able to point this out . The fact that judging people is the key to damaged relationships has been lingering in human minds for centuries of years i'm sre , yet it took all the humilty in a human spirit to be able to point that fact out . And for that fact alone , i feel that she is really really fantastic .

“There is more hunger in the world for love and appreciation than for bread.”

Dear Mother Teresa , how true , how true. How many times have i thanked you silently in my heart for verbalising what i've always wanted to say and do but never had the courage nor inspiration to perform. Mother Teresa , you're a true inspiration . Thank you .

Response for the 1st topic

2007-06-12T23:28:00.000-07:00

The blog which caught my attention , my full attention , was the one fron Vincent . Not because his bog is one which i can relate to but because his entry for the 1st topic is like woah , inspiring . And i am NOT being sarcastic here . And okay , fine , his blog is the one which i can relate to the most as well . Duh .

Anyway , i don't know how this "response to other people's entry" is supposed to be dealt with , but i'll give it my best random hit anyway .

Vincent's process of "inauguration" carries much significance to me . For one , mine was merely NINE YEARS OF CATECHISM and then being swept into CYF and yada yada yada . If i was put into Vincent's shoe , i can't even forsee myself doing a little research on the internet and getting my lazy bum off the chair to search for a Catholic society to squeeze myself in . I mean , if there was no youth group CRAZILY PROMOTING themselves like how they do it in wet-market (opps ! ) , there's no way i'll ever be a non-Sunday-Catholic . No way . I'll just be like how my other friends are now , skipping Sunday services , skipping Days of obligation and whatever-not .

Okay , this cartoon caused me to roll on the floor for like 30 sec . For the dim-witted , the guy is God and the woman is us . LOL . Love it .

The second thing which struck me the MOST was this :

" In the past, I always thought that I was the smartest and the most efficient and effective legionary in my praesidium and often looked down on other members who couldn't do better than me. I didn't realise that I was blinded by pride. One day, I read a quotation by Blessed Teresa of Calcutta

...when we die and it comes time for God to judge us, He will not ask, "How many good things have you done in your life?," rather He will ask, "How much love did you put into what you did?""

When i read this , i just screamed . I mean literally ! Here's a person whom i totally DON'T KNOW , having the same experience as me ! ( I thought i was pretty unique ! )

The same could be said for me in CYF . After i read what Mother Teresa ( MT for short , and for those who don't know , she's my idol ) said , my screwed way of looking at things in CYF kinda became a totally new dimension . It's like what she said , LITERALLY , " how much love did you put into what you did " ?

I realised nowadays , the things i do in CYF as a leader were all very plastic . I can't show how exactly i am feeling in CYF . I can't show that i am sad because people will think that i'm being "emo" or attracting attention . Okay , at this point of time , i really wanna vent my saturated-displeasure at such insensitivities and supposed-restriction bu i kow vulgarities are not allowed , so i just got to use Lester's way which is , *roll eyes , WHATEVER .

I am not doing stuff out of love anymore , more like , i'm doing it because i have a duty to fulfill . Even in my own conscience , i know that i don't feel the joy in doing such stuff anymore . I'm doing them because the younger leaders expects me to do it . I'm doing them because i've got to set an example for them to do the same ( which i don't know whether they are learning or just watching ) . I'm doing them because i'm a leader who is supposed to be loving and caring FOREVER AND EVER NON-STOP LIKE A ROBOT .

But i think yes , my dear MT , i think you're right . Thanks for showing me the way though Vincent's blog and thank you Vincent . This is indeed a new path to tread for me . A new thinking of obscured thinking . A new pattern to adopt . And i hope i can do it . To put in saturated-love when i do things . Woah , thats indeed quite a tall order .

Bless me with strength , God .

This is looped off another's entry but i really appreciate this quote

2007-06-06T10:13:00.001-07:00

...when we die and it comes time for God to judge us, He will not ask, "How many good things have you done in your life?," rather He will ask, "How much love did you put into what you did?"

Week 1: Church groups for me and you

2007-06-06T09:16:00.000-07:00

I don't really want to go according to the discussion guidelines because i want to be sincerely me in my blog entries so here goes . . . .

Given my sincerest attempt to be utterly honest in my entry , i just must add in the fact that i'm in fact typing out this entry with a crest-fallen mood due to issues pertaining to my youth group Catholic Youth Fellowship . CYF for short . No cause for much worries , i'll still deliver a balanced value-added blog entry .

Joachim Lai was the one who threw me enough reasons to join CYF . Ethelbert was the first one who showed me what true warmth from friends meant . In that manner , i slither my way into this group of people who just want to know more about God .

Sessions to me were truly fantastic . Those sessions were of truly some high quality and they touched me in ways which i could hardly try describing . They made me regret those wrongs i've done and yet cling on even more tightly to the hands of Jesus . CYF as a whole , taught me how to be a person who i can be personally proud of . The other me before i joined CYF is one who won't bother to think much before throwing crucifixes down my 12-storey high HDB flat due to my bad anger management . The Xavier after that knew how to stop and pause ( 60% of the time ) before doing something sinful . Well , the inital journey was really surfing well and healthy .

The high time was my first year of leadership , when i started realising that i've got "power" i didn't had before . I realised that i can actually go right up to new members and make them feel welcomed without feeling bashful about it . I realised that people started to take notice of me . I realised that some decisions that i make can change people's perception of CYF to a great extent . It was boom time for me . It was a year of high spirituality and many charged and emotional moments where tears of joy and sadness flow , quite literally . Overall , before the year was over , it was one of many notable achievements of touching many member's lives and enriching the life that i had . Sure , there's times when i had to let go of friends whom i thought i'll never let go and times when sad days arrives in relentless truckloads , but it ended , eventually . And thank goodness they really did .

With the onslaught of the 2nd year rushing in , my life in CYF changed so dramatically i can't recount the million changes . Instead of reaching out to even more newer members , the main preoccupation was reaching out to the new leaders who stepped up to serve . It was hard drill . It was truly hard work . Those whom i've personally groomed the previous year turn their backs to me as they looked for new company . I can't say much , it was literally tearing of my flesh and a couple times worse than that . There's so much pressure for the older leaders to be exemplary . It was as though we ought to be saints or something like that . Well , i almost apologised for being a human and not someone who has a halo above his head . Mind-boogling it is , truly . For one doesn't know what to do anymore . To give a more balanced point , it was still rewarding , this duty in CYF . Won't change it for any other youth group ( for now ) . For the life of me , i can't believe Mister Lai held on to this duty for 3 years . I swear he got some God-bestowed-personally talents that eludes my greatest effort to search for them .

Well , i guess being in CYF does have it pros and cons . But i did learn something which i will always remember and never let it out of my mental vision . Which is that i will never let go of God's loving hands . Thats some big words coming out of someone who could literally hurl crucifixes down a 12-storey flat . But ya , at least CYF did achieve its aim , for me , after all , to be closer to our Father and his unyielding love and never losing faith in him . Well , at least i've gleamed off some treasures after all , and i think , this must be the greatest treasure . This is in my most sincere tone ever . Thats all . Gnite .