oceans of personalities

I feel that i've been existing as a spectrum of many different personalities nowadays . Especially NOWADAYS when i'm often under quite some stress .

When i'm in the company of different people , my mind automatically place the responsibility on myself to be the best " personality" for that occasion. When i'm together with younger leaders , i've to be more smiling , more responsible and more frenly even when sometimes i'm obviously in no mood to be in either of those "personalities" . When i'm together with older people , i've got to try to be a person who thinks older stuff so that i don't lose their frequency and so that i don't look like a dimwit . Whem i'm with younger members , i've got to be joking and laughing and a clown and trying my very best to interact with them and make sure they dun feel intimidated by me . When i'm with my bitchy frens , i've got to be bitchy and funny even though sometimes i can't bring a bitchied look to my face . When i'm with people i need to interact more due to various reasons i've got to be really chatty and even toking to myself even though i really wish that i can juz stand there and not tok .

Because of such thing , i've kinda lost myself . i can't exactly place my finger on who i really am and how im really like . there's only a precious few whom i can be myself with , gerald's one of them , thank goodness . at this point of time i can't really think of anyone else .

I dun know know . i juz feel stupid all of a sudden becoz i dun really know who i am . I know people often ask such question and such questions are truly overasked but this is the first time i can assuredly tell myself " yes xavier , u truly really dun know who u r " . . . but i realised all those occasions where i have to put on the best personalities , i am not exactly faking it . . im juz dragging it out of my personalities and making such traits more pronounced and with so many personalities pronounced , i no longer have any idea which one is the one which i am naturally most pronounced in .

Am i really chatty ? Am i really angsty ? Am i really compassionate ? Am i really nasty ? Nope nope , i've no idea . I dun exactly wish to look for it either . But neither am i feeling good about it becoz i've kinda lost myself in the midst of my resonsibilities to be a serious , immature , funny , serious , laughing , grave , angry , serene , compassionate , derogatory , bitchy , sympathetic person .


This entry is of no consequence to anyone but myself . Whoever i listed up there , i am not blaming u for anything .. If u think that way , thats your problem and im sure as heck not gonna take responsibility for your negative feelings about what i juz said WHICH DOES NOT MEAN ANYTHING TO ANYONE AT ALL . Thiis is MY blog entry and if u feel offended , thats your problem and ESPECIALLY when i dun mean ANY OFFENCE at all to anyone in this entry. If u feel confused about whether i am blaming anyone or anything in this entry , I AM NOT. get that straight .

okay . i've always gotta type that disclaimer becoz human's mind tend to think beyond whats reasonable ( mine included) and if i dun type that down , people may confuse me for a person with so much angst and anger at everyone , WHOM I AM NOT . yep , tata . Goodnight . And thx gerald for simply allowing me to be myself in your presence .