I just got a sudden urge to blog this down . Anyway , the following entry is gonna be typed in a negative light , so if you don't like what u r going to read , then clear off for this entry , it's my blog anyway .
I was just looking into the mirror when i was bathing just now . I saw a rather young face ( at least in my perspective , i look quite young ) , then zipping very quickly across the mirror , i saw a very haggard look , then zipping across the mirror again , i saw myself 3 years in CYF and all the things that have passed before me . I don't know why but i had a sudden chill down my spine .I feel like i'm splitting into 2 person . The first one is a very young Keith and the second one is a very worn and haggard Keith . and its proving to be a vey difficult task trying to reconcile the both of "me" . OH shit , i feel like a person with two spirits floating away lah dammit .
I feel so skitzo . i feel that i got this weird " split personalities " syndrome. I want to be so many things all at once . I want to be as best a leader i can be . I want to be the coolest leader around so that people can connect to me . I want to be someone to guide other people along because i want to help people . Yet sometimes i also want to be the weakest person around so that other people can lead me and i don't have to always be the person leading the way . I want to stop being the dominating persona because i want to feel the love from younger leaders/members and their care and concern from them . I want to be the youngest person around so that i don't have to take up any role and play any important role at all . However i still want to be the oldest person around because i feel that i can help the rest with my knowledge and experience .
I feel very very confused ( i think u will also be very confused after reading this entry of mine) . I've got no idea why i am feeling this way . I feel like a chameleon which does not know which colour to change to . So freaking weird right . Maybe i need a stupid shrink .
In addition to that , it doesn't help that i feel more lonely than not nowadays . While my friends are slowly and steadily getting attached , i can no longer enjoy their exclusive company . The worse thing is that they are my pillars and strength , now they WERE my pillar of strength . And i've got to fight the urge to to just grab their arms and say " stop , just please stop , i really need you to be here for me " But i know they will probably say "ya ya , yada yada "
But nontheless , i'm still very very happy for those attached , i'm happy that they've found happiness , i don't know whether its permanent happiness , but i'm still really very sincerely happy for them . So those attached please don't come up to me and say " i'm here , don't worry" . I'll probably just kick you away and ask u to spend more time with your attachie and stop wasting time here . Sorry but such happiness is rare and i'm so not gonna grab your time away from you .
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